my 20th birthday.

Emilie I feel awful. I called him last night a bunch of times and he didn't answer then I called gab and he handed me the phone. He had been talking with Isabelle that whole time and was ignoring my calls. I told him he needed to come over because we needed to finish it off. And he said he'd be here in 30 minutes. And he never came. I unlocked my door and everything. I sent him an email saying he needs to call me when he wakes up. It's hard to explain what I feel but before I just felt sorry for myself but now the feeling comes from my stomach. I feel anxious and terrible like I'm going to vomit. I want him to come over but I don't know what I want to say to him. I reread the message and he said that he wished we could be together and laugh and talk and that he misses me and wants my love. I don't understand anything. I want to ask him why were not together if he means what he said in the message. And what the fuck does it mean to not want to be with someone because you can't give back love. How hard is it to do that? I don't know what I want to hear but I feel terrible and my stomach is in such an unpleasant place as well as my little heart. I feel a little better now that I've written this message. A tinsy bit. I kind of feel like now I don't want to see him right now. But the reality is that I need closure. I am going to be so unproductive if I don't get it. I can't keep feeling like this. How do I change this feeling. It's terrible. I was even talking to Sam G. last night, the most beautiful man in the world, with whom I would love to just do nothing with, but I couldn't just hang out with him, I felt like I had to keep an eye on alex. Sure enough he was talking to Isabelle again. He will always love her. They spent three years together and he'll love her more than he's ever loved me. I realized I'm having a hard time accepting the breakup. The reality of it hasn't hit. I don't want to believe or to realize. And im trying to find excuses and reasons why he doesn't love me. But I can't do that. I hope one day he realizes what could have been. I don't know what im going to do today. I feel awful. So shitty. Anxious wondering if a girl slept over, wondering what he was thinking. If he finds me super annoying after last night.. I need to figure out what I'll do with my life. I just want to move away. For a really long time. 
Forever.

I fall in love too easily

We stood outside of the pizza joint eating a freshly made slice of vegetarian pizza. I watched his lips move as he spoke to one of his friends in his thick accent. There are no words that could have described how I felt that night.
As I walked home I felt alive. I hadn't felt that way in years.

help me I think I'm falling

I sat in the taxi cab and I felt like crying but I knew I needed a little push, the tears were close but not close enough. I thought about what song would help me get to this place. I put on October from the TEA album. I thought myself lame as I turned my ipod on, "god Ali, you are so lame, you really can't think of anything else to listen to?". I muted the music from the cab and put my earbuds in.
The song starts off with an instrumental electric guitar vibe and then the harp comes in. I felt the tears come closer, but still nothing. It's frustrating when you are so sure one thing will unquestionably lead to another that when it doesn't, it's unsettling and I never really know what to do with myself in those moments.

I looked at my phone, two messages, one from Alex one from Arthur. I should have just gone home, but for some incomprehensible reason, I was determined to go out.

We drove over a bridge. I was so lost and had absolutely no idea where I was going.

Take the A Train

I was torn - my feelings had gotten the best of me and I was left with no options. There was nothing I could hold onto, no solid ground, no comfort, no stability. To my surprise, this wasn't as unbearable as I'd imagined it to be. I'd been surprised at how fast I could move on- not that I'm where I want to be - but when there is a connection, there is a connection, and the chemistry was so strong my body shivered, my face blushed and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wished to be held, longed to be touched, but I knew it wasn't real, he was playing me like he'd play a game of tennis with his friends. I don't doubt that he liked me, very much in fact, and that I pleased him so. But it was not real, and of this I was certain. He was completely aware, as was I, that there was nothing really there except for these thrilling fantasies. I also knew he wasn't right for me, at least not for more than a little while. Depending on how long I could endure his tormenting games. I knew that the less exciting of the two, but still a passionate man, could be of better interest, but there was no way to convince myself of choosing him over the excitement that was waiting for me in the Upper East Side. I had to try it. I had to. I would live a life of misery if I didn't.

I had to.

I'm feeling a little better, but still really disappointed and also disgusted by my two best friends. It's the biggest slap in the face I've ever had to deal with, and for the first time in my life, I am able to say that I am not the one who has done wrong here. I was angry when it first happened, but I've let that go, and now I'm just left with sadness and disappointment. But it's true, I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, and part of me believes that simon cheating on me with my best friend in my own house and bed was to show me the disrespect and unfaithfulness they are both capable of, and were capable of all along. And now I can step back and ask myself if those are the people I really want to trust, connect with and care for. 
maybe one day I'll look back and find this all very humorous.
for now,it hurts so much.

l'été

His hands crept along her thigh and rested at her waist for only a couple of seconds before she pushed his hand off her and moved further away from him. The night was hot, there was no need for blankets, let alone skin contact. The air conditioner was on but it was broken - it was a fucking scorcher in her room, you could hardly move without breaking a sweat. He moved his body closer to hers and kissed her neck. "I love you" he whispered to her, half conscious. She moved further, now half awake from all the restlessness "Can you stop? Go to your side, it's too hot." He unspooned her and turned so they were back to back. She waited until he had stopped moving, when his breathing became deep and crawled out of bed. She went to the bathroom and saw a coward in the reflection of the mirror. She watched a tear collect in the corner of her eye and slowly roll down her cheek. She drank some water and looked at herself again. She looked old. Her face was pale and her eyes looked tired. She knew she didn't need the same things she had lacked in her previous relations; the closeness, the touching, the constant expression of appreciation. She walked to her room and there he was; such an angel, sleeping so soundly, with both hands in his boxers, fondling his private parts. There wasn't anything he could offer her.  She slipped into bed and tried to remember how she had felt at the beginning of it all.

"What do I need?" she whispered to him, but her eyes closed and she was sleeping before she heard an answer.

I can't remember what my original plan was - I really shouldn't call it a plan, it was more of a presumption. My mind is cloudy because of this and I seem unable to make a decision.
I deeply regret making you agree with my side of things, and when you said "I want you to be 100% in the moment" I should have just shut my god damn fucking mouth and thought about what was being proposed instead of whining like a stupid bullshit baby when she doesn't get her way.
mind it wanders
what is gone is gone
what is lost is l o s t

"I mean, there you have it, it's pretty clear, things obviously aren't working out. Our relationship has run its course, I'm really, really sorry Ali."

29 days

this is not working out

Natalie

My 20 year old cousin Natalie was found this morning by her room mates. My mother told me that she took some pain killers, went drinking, and never woke up.

Rest

lost

Much to his dismay, there was no other solution except for jumping off the Champlain Bridge. The bridge itself isn't very high, maybe 2000 feet and it probably couldn't do the deed, but the water was cold so maybe it could.
He had already given all his belongings away to his friends, he told them he was moving away. He even bought his bus ticket as proof of his departure.  A couple of weeks later, he threw himself off that bridge.

As he was floating in the air and the water was approaching he had some important realizations. It didn't change much.

2010

There's a faint sound in the distance, if I close my eyes and open my ears I can hear it clearly. It calls my name day in and day out. From the kitchen I could hear it calling my name, I followed it to your bedroom where you laid sound asleep. I kissed you goodbye and your arm reached out to grab mine, you kissed my hand. Stained glass from the previous evening. It was all a masquerade. I swore to myself; never again.

2011

I heard the sound again, I closed my eyes. I followed and it brought me to the washroom where my guts poured into the toilet bowl where I sat perched over the edge gasping for breath barely able to keep my head up. The sound was there in the distance, I got up to follow it, hoping it had the answers this time. But when I opened my eyes there you were staring at me, in disgust, wondering how it could have gotten to this. And the clock was rocking back and forth back and forth the ebb and flow of time, counting down the days.

Early into 2012

I heard it again, this time I ran. I ran as far as my legs could carry me. I had to stop, gasping for breath, I looked up at the sky and there it was. As I was trying to make out the shapes and understand what was above, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. It became obvious to me then that there was nowhere to hide, there you were, right behind me, once again. Everywhere.

You brought me home. Lord knows I was not lost, I was merely running away from you, it was the only way.

Push me back, "settle down, time will do you good", you said and kissed me goodbye. I often wonder how much time it must take. I often wonder.

2012

Tonight I heard the sound again. I kept my eyes open but I still heard it, clear as day. I clutched at the pillow as he spoke, as the truth came out. They didn't come from you, they came from him. While it's all the same to you it makes all the difference to me.

I sat there in disbelief. The faint sounds ceased all at once. I knew this day would come.

We are all good and we all deserve to be happy.

I often wonder how much time.

I often wonder how much time this must take.

sometimes crazy things happen and your life changes. completely.

my life is about to change - actually, it has already changed.

I got a full scholarship to New School in New York City. Sometimes crazy things happen and you just gotta go with it.

"I don't believe in the idea of wanting to be alone.

You're either in love or you've fallen out of it" - Frau Kahn

Moving out of your parents' house is difficult because you are faced with decisions you didn't think would be forced to confront just yet.

All transitions are difficult, but this one is particularly. Foremost, when moving between one place and another you are in limbo; with some things at your new place and some at your old - constantly going back and forth between houses can make you feel uneasy; temporary limbo. Secondly, having to decide what is essential and what could be left behind makes you reassess your entire purpose of existence; who are you? what do you enjoy? what do you absolutely need? why are you even here? Because when making these decisions, you come to the realization that you own too many things; are these worthless possessions important to you?

However, once the move is over, you can sit comfortably in your new bed and look around to see all that you've accomplished: four days prior this had been a bare room, with bare walls, and bare floors, but now it's filled with a bunch of shit that somewhat represents you as a person- what a success! Boy - what a fucking accomplishment.

The feeling of content slowly passes and the more time you spend in your new house the more you wonder if it could ever become your home.

we rolled around kissing here and there
rolled and rolled
and laughed and laughed



I'd say it felt pretty real