help me I think I'm falling

I sat in the taxi cab and I felt like crying but I knew I needed a little push, the tears were close but not close enough. I thought about what song would help me get to this place. I put on October from the TEA album. I thought myself lame as I turned my ipod on, "god Ali, you are so lame, you really can't think of anything else to listen to?". I muted the music from the cab and put my earbuds in.
The song starts off with an instrumental electric guitar vibe and then the harp comes in. I felt the tears come closer, but still nothing. It's frustrating when you are so sure one thing will unquestionably lead to another that when it doesn't, it's unsettling and I never really know what to do with myself in those moments.

I looked at my phone, two messages, one from Alex one from Arthur. I should have just gone home, but for some incomprehensible reason, I was determined to go out.

We drove over a bridge. I was so lost and had absolutely no idea where I was going.

Take the A Train

I was torn - my feelings had gotten the best of me and I was left with no options. There was nothing I could hold onto, no solid ground, no comfort, no stability. To my surprise, this wasn't as unbearable as I'd imagined it to be. I'd been surprised at how fast I could move on- not that I'm where I want to be - but when there is a connection, there is a connection, and the chemistry was so strong my body shivered, my face blushed and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wished to be held, longed to be touched, but I knew it wasn't real, he was playing me like he'd play a game of tennis with his friends. I don't doubt that he liked me, very much in fact, and that I pleased him so. But it was not real, and of this I was certain. He was completely aware, as was I, that there was nothing really there except for these thrilling fantasies. I also knew he wasn't right for me, at least not for more than a little while. Depending on how long I could endure his tormenting games. I knew that the less exciting of the two, but still a passionate man, could be of better interest, but there was no way to convince myself of choosing him over the excitement that was waiting for me in the Upper East Side. I had to try it. I had to. I would live a life of misery if I didn't.

I had to.