after the show at gèsu i texted the other one asking where he was
on walking to the meeting point i thought maybe i was over the relationship. how i didnt care about s.r. or s.h. anymore. how i almost want him to experience them. and after hearing from him earlier today, a distant tone, he's someplace else. he's always been someplace else.  i thought about the tour and how it will be such a drag to have to be around him if i'm just not feeling it anymore. he's pushed me so far away this seems like the only logical reaction.
but then after drinks
while walking home
i thought about the tour
and all the women
who would be coming to the shows
and the panic set in
and there i was,
in love again.

maybe i am paranoid

but maybe he just doesn't love me

"maybe now isn't the time to be thinking of terrible ideas"

devour my face, eat it whole

I could easily have not come, but it is hard to leave.