I thought it would be ironic to wear the same outfit I wore when I first hooked up with Alex.
But as I slipped into my black dress, I realized it wasn't clever and took it off.

So now I'm wearing a black skirt and green shirt, but I guess the earrings are the same as the first time with Simon.
And I guess the skirt is the same skirt as the first time with Liam.
And now that I think about it, these tights are the same tights as that time with Tyler.

I guess you can never really forget.
Everything is ironic.
Or maybe its just a coincidence that this time last year I was heading over to his best friend's house.

It'll be two months in two weeks; I remember both days quite well. I had not heard from you in quite some time - I was trying to keep my distance, give you some space. You finally called, I remember, I left my class to answer your call, you had me tied around a little string, you really did. The young helpless puppy chasing after its mother, yearning for her warmth, for her comfort. I followed you hopelessly, round and round, it's only now that I realize this. I am sorry.

That night, when I went right you went left. I came to you, and with no hesitation, you turned away and ran in the opposite direction - I should have seen the signs before this; nobody cared to show me. I should have realized I had us trapped in a cage. I shouldn't have put you, or me, for that matter, in this situation. I don't blame you.

We drove around, I couldn't stop smiling, part of me, the drunk part, wanted to drive around all night with you, aimlessly. I wanted to stay with you, there, before the problems beyond the proximity of the car could taint our pure love and happiness. I remember your hand being on the steering wheel, I grabbed for it, but you pulled away. I knew this would probably be the last time we would spend the night together. Some part of me knew this was the reality, that things just weren't working out, but I couldn't come to terms with it, I couldn't imagine not being able to just drive around like this anymore, I couldn't imagine not lying in bed for hours before actually crawling out of it, hugging each other, rolling around, it was too much to bear, so I just kept on smiling, told you I loved you and loved being with you and when you responded with "so do I", I knew you were lying but I just smiled, turned my head and stared out my window into the sky, watching the blurry stream of lights guide us home.

I tried my hardest for the night to never end, I wanted to stay with you forever, I swear to god, I'm not exaggerating. You know that feeling, you can feel it when it starts slipping through your fingers; your body freezes, there are so many pieces to pick up, where do you start where do you start?! That is the problem, there was nowhere to start. It was helpless, hopeless, a million little pieces scattered on the floor. I am so sorry.

How I cried that night, I cried, in your arms, for the last time, I knew. I cry, and will cry forever, it seems, for you. I wake in the morning and it lies in my gut, I feel sick, all the time.

Acceptance

I cried all the way home. I was crying because I was rejected, yes, for the second time. When I stopped feeling sad for myself, I cried for real this time. You couldn't believe my plans, my goals, my future, my ambitions. You didn't even care. You don't care to keep a friendship because to you I am nothing. So now, whether or not this is how I 'd like to live my life: the plan I currently have set, the dreams, the goals: whether or not this is really what I want to do, doesn't matter at all. I will do exactly what has been dreamed. I will realize all of my goals, and I will do it all for you.I will live for you. I will do things, not for myself, but to prove that I can do them, to prove to you that I can accomplish something: that I am not worthless. To prove to you that I will be nothing like you thought. To prove to you, to myself, that you were wrong about me.

I've turned the page, goodbye, once and for all. You will not succeed. You are fucked up. You will never be truly happy.

Go, be a leader. No one will follow you because you are nobody. You are nothing.

Backstabber

I'll play the victim. from now on. It was you first, but it's my turn now. This is how I feel. And I know. That you don't love me anymore. Because I don't think that I do either. But I can't say it first. Its ugly, dirty, messy, foul, my stomach turns. My heart weeps, LOVE ME, but I cannot love. It weeps when I'm around you. The fever of jealousy, as rotten as a spoiled plum, our love is dead.

Why do you cry

"I cry when I listen to Broken Social Scene in my car, with the windows down and my hair flying all over the place". She continued, "I cry when it rains and I don't have an umbrella and I cry when you don't call me after you said you would and I cry when you don't look at me when I look at you and I cry when I remember how things used to be between us and I cry when I try and remember the last time we made love and I cry when I take your hand and you pull yours away and I cry when I think of the first time we met and I cry when I hear you lie to me and I cry at the thought of not being together and I cry at the thought of staying together and I cry when you tell me you love me I cry when you tell me you need me. I cry all the time but you just don't see it because you chose to live completely and utterly blinded".

He kissed her on the cheek, got up, started walking to the door. Halfway there he stopped, turned around, took a deep breath and whispered "I loved you, and I love you, and I'll always love you, but I don't like you, I don't like you anymore, I don't like you at all. I don't like this, this. I don't like what we've become. I don't like what you've become. If you cry when I tell you I love you and you cry when you think of not being with me, when don't you cry ? I am so confused. I hate you, actually no, I loathe you. I hate the fact that you are so crazy and you've ruined everything. This is not my fault, this is your fault. Remember that."He turned around and walked out the door, for the last time. The last time they would see each other.

But now, when she listens to Broken Social Scene in her car, she can't help but smile.

and then cry.

Grow Grow Grow

Like a tree you grow,

strong, beneath the ground, beneath what we see

Like a tree you grow,

strong, towards the sky, longing to be closer to the sun

Like a tree you grow,

farther and farther away from everything you once loved

Like a tree you grow

summer of love

we lied in the grass, the hot sun seeping into our pores

drunk with lust and infatuation, and beer,

we stayed until the sun set,

until the moon rose,

until all was silent

so close,

I was ready for anything

a n y t h i n g

we could have lied there for days

Auntie Deb

"And if that doesn't work, you move on" said Deb, half smirking.

"Babe, listen. Life's a journey. Doesn't work ? You turn the page. It's as simple as that".

Never Been a Fighter

She ordered a hot chocolate, hesitating, would the sugar keep her up?did she even want a drink? All she had to do was wait. she scanned the different beverages to waste some time.

and that's when she saw him, sitting by the window,

oh, it had been a while.

old feelings came back, stronger than they had, ever.

He invited her up to his apartment to "show her around".

You know when it's love and when it's not love, and you know when you just need to take some chances sometimes.

Boy do I love taking chances.

Juliet, Naked

The truth about autobiographical songs, he realized, was that you had to make the present become the past, somehow: you had to take a feeling or a friend or a woman and turn whatever it was into something that was over, so that you could be definitive about it. You had to put it in a glass case and look at it and think about it until it gave up its meaning, and he'd managed to do that with just about everybody he'd ever met or married or fathered.

started reading moonpalace

Humanities

The infatuation over, we find ourselves in a miserable condition.