my 20th birthday.

Emilie I feel awful. I called him last night a bunch of times and he didn't answer then I called gab and he handed me the phone. He had been talking with Isabelle that whole time and was ignoring my calls. I told him he needed to come over because we needed to finish it off. And he said he'd be here in 30 minutes. And he never came. I unlocked my door and everything. I sent him an email saying he needs to call me when he wakes up. It's hard to explain what I feel but before I just felt sorry for myself but now the feeling comes from my stomach. I feel anxious and terrible like I'm going to vomit. I want him to come over but I don't know what I want to say to him. I reread the message and he said that he wished we could be together and laugh and talk and that he misses me and wants my love. I don't understand anything. I want to ask him why were not together if he means what he said in the message. And what the fuck does it mean to not want to be with someone because you can't give back love. How hard is it to do that? I don't know what I want to hear but I feel terrible and my stomach is in such an unpleasant place as well as my little heart. I feel a little better now that I've written this message. A tinsy bit. I kind of feel like now I don't want to see him right now. But the reality is that I need closure. I am going to be so unproductive if I don't get it. I can't keep feeling like this. How do I change this feeling. It's terrible. I was even talking to Sam G. last night, the most beautiful man in the world, with whom I would love to just do nothing with, but I couldn't just hang out with him, I felt like I had to keep an eye on alex. Sure enough he was talking to Isabelle again. He will always love her. They spent three years together and he'll love her more than he's ever loved me. I realized I'm having a hard time accepting the breakup. The reality of it hasn't hit. I don't want to believe or to realize. And im trying to find excuses and reasons why he doesn't love me. But I can't do that. I hope one day he realizes what could have been. I don't know what im going to do today. I feel awful. So shitty. Anxious wondering if a girl slept over, wondering what he was thinking. If he finds me super annoying after last night.. I need to figure out what I'll do with my life. I just want to move away. For a really long time. 
Forever.

I fall in love too easily

We stood outside of the pizza joint eating a freshly made slice of vegetarian pizza. I watched his lips move as he spoke to one of his friends in his thick accent. There are no words that could have described how I felt that night.
As I walked home I felt alive. I hadn't felt that way in years.