I thought it would be ironic to wear the same outfit I wore when I first hooked up with Alex.
But as I slipped into my black dress, I realized it wasn't clever and took it off.

So now I'm wearing a black skirt and green shirt, but I guess the earrings are the same as the first time with Simon.
And I guess the skirt is the same skirt as the first time with Liam.
And now that I think about it, these tights are the same tights as that time with Tyler.

I guess you can never really forget.
Everything is ironic.
Or maybe its just a coincidence that this time last year I was heading over to his best friend's house.

It'll be two months in two weeks; I remember both days quite well. I had not heard from you in quite some time - I was trying to keep my distance, give you some space. You finally called, I remember, I left my class to answer your call, you had me tied around a little string, you really did. The young helpless puppy chasing after its mother, yearning for her warmth, for her comfort. I followed you hopelessly, round and round, it's only now that I realize this. I am sorry.

That night, when I went right you went left. I came to you, and with no hesitation, you turned away and ran in the opposite direction - I should have seen the signs before this; nobody cared to show me. I should have realized I had us trapped in a cage. I shouldn't have put you, or me, for that matter, in this situation. I don't blame you.

We drove around, I couldn't stop smiling, part of me, the drunk part, wanted to drive around all night with you, aimlessly. I wanted to stay with you, there, before the problems beyond the proximity of the car could taint our pure love and happiness. I remember your hand being on the steering wheel, I grabbed for it, but you pulled away. I knew this would probably be the last time we would spend the night together. Some part of me knew this was the reality, that things just weren't working out, but I couldn't come to terms with it, I couldn't imagine not being able to just drive around like this anymore, I couldn't imagine not lying in bed for hours before actually crawling out of it, hugging each other, rolling around, it was too much to bear, so I just kept on smiling, told you I loved you and loved being with you and when you responded with "so do I", I knew you were lying but I just smiled, turned my head and stared out my window into the sky, watching the blurry stream of lights guide us home.

I tried my hardest for the night to never end, I wanted to stay with you forever, I swear to god, I'm not exaggerating. You know that feeling, you can feel it when it starts slipping through your fingers; your body freezes, there are so many pieces to pick up, where do you start where do you start?! That is the problem, there was nowhere to start. It was helpless, hopeless, a million little pieces scattered on the floor. I am so sorry.

How I cried that night, I cried, in your arms, for the last time, I knew. I cry, and will cry forever, it seems, for you. I wake in the morning and it lies in my gut, I feel sick, all the time.

Acceptance

I cried all the way home. I was crying because I was rejected, yes, for the second time. When I stopped feeling sad for myself, I cried for real this time. You couldn't believe my plans, my goals, my future, my ambitions. You didn't even care. You don't care to keep a friendship because to you I am nothing. So now, whether or not this is how I 'd like to live my life: the plan I currently have set, the dreams, the goals: whether or not this is really what I want to do, doesn't matter at all. I will do exactly what has been dreamed. I will realize all of my goals, and I will do it all for you.I will live for you. I will do things, not for myself, but to prove that I can do them, to prove to you that I can accomplish something: that I am not worthless. To prove to you that I will be nothing like you thought. To prove to you, to myself, that you were wrong about me.

I've turned the page, goodbye, once and for all. You will not succeed. You are fucked up. You will never be truly happy.

Go, be a leader. No one will follow you because you are nobody. You are nothing.

Backstabber

I'll play the victim. from now on. It was you first, but it's my turn now. This is how I feel. And I know. That you don't love me anymore. Because I don't think that I do either. But I can't say it first. Its ugly, dirty, messy, foul, my stomach turns. My heart weeps, LOVE ME, but I cannot love. It weeps when I'm around you. The fever of jealousy, as rotten as a spoiled plum, our love is dead.

Why do you cry

"I cry when I listen to Broken Social Scene in my car, with the windows down and my hair flying all over the place". She continued, "I cry when it rains and I don't have an umbrella and I cry when you don't call me after you said you would and I cry when you don't look at me when I look at you and I cry when I remember how things used to be between us and I cry when I try and remember the last time we made love and I cry when I take your hand and you pull yours away and I cry when I think of the first time we met and I cry when I hear you lie to me and I cry at the thought of not being together and I cry at the thought of staying together and I cry when you tell me you love me I cry when you tell me you need me. I cry all the time but you just don't see it because you chose to live completely and utterly blinded".

He kissed her on the cheek, got up, started walking to the door. Halfway there he stopped, turned around, took a deep breath and whispered "I loved you, and I love you, and I'll always love you, but I don't like you, I don't like you anymore, I don't like you at all. I don't like this, this. I don't like what we've become. I don't like what you've become. If you cry when I tell you I love you and you cry when you think of not being with me, when don't you cry ? I am so confused. I hate you, actually no, I loathe you. I hate the fact that you are so crazy and you've ruined everything. This is not my fault, this is your fault. Remember that."He turned around and walked out the door, for the last time. The last time they would see each other.

But now, when she listens to Broken Social Scene in her car, she can't help but smile.

and then cry.

Grow Grow Grow

Like a tree you grow,

strong, beneath the ground, beneath what we see

Like a tree you grow,

strong, towards the sky, longing to be closer to the sun

Like a tree you grow,

farther and farther away from everything you once loved

Like a tree you grow

summer of love

we lied in the grass, the hot sun seeping into our pores

drunk with lust and infatuation, and beer,

we stayed until the sun set,

until the moon rose,

until all was silent

so close,

I was ready for anything

a n y t h i n g

we could have lied there for days

Auntie Deb

"And if that doesn't work, you move on" said Deb, half smirking.

"Babe, listen. Life's a journey. Doesn't work ? You turn the page. It's as simple as that".

Never Been a Fighter

She ordered a hot chocolate, hesitating, would the sugar keep her up?did she even want a drink? All she had to do was wait. she scanned the different beverages to waste some time.

and that's when she saw him, sitting by the window,

oh, it had been a while.

old feelings came back, stronger than they had, ever.

He invited her up to his apartment to "show her around".

You know when it's love and when it's not love, and you know when you just need to take some chances sometimes.

Boy do I love taking chances.

Juliet, Naked

The truth about autobiographical songs, he realized, was that you had to make the present become the past, somehow: you had to take a feeling or a friend or a woman and turn whatever it was into something that was over, so that you could be definitive about it. You had to put it in a glass case and look at it and think about it until it gave up its meaning, and he'd managed to do that with just about everybody he'd ever met or married or fathered.

started reading moonpalace

Humanities

The infatuation over, we find ourselves in a miserable condition.

Intentions intentions, motives, motives.

"Are you serious ? You actually think that?"

"Well what ? you disagree? You're always calling up dudes to hang out with them, to get coffee, to have a beer, what do you think they think ?"

He said this all too seriously, like he'd thought about it long and hard, like he'd sat down and figured her out.

"You're a tease and I think you know it and I think you like it".

I've Changed.

June 24th, 2004

T une fille super belle pi g po eu le courage de te demander de sortir ac moi mais torais suremnt di non.

Bye!

Guillaume

my last day of grade 6.

Siebente Symphonie

Just that lone wolf about to prey on some asshole, apparently.

Holly

Carefree

Charming and naivete

Yet deliberately flighty,

Promiscuous,

and intensely preoccupied with herself.

Oh-I've made a mess of everything

silly school girls will always be seduced by older men.

-jenny

Painting Xavier

"Are you sure she wont be coming home anytime soon ?" I asked.

"Yes, I am positive. She's out with her friends. " He responded.

We began taking our clothes off and not before long we were completely undressed.

He smelled like booze but I liked it. I always like it.

Forbidden love.

She will never know.

We were making out, his fingers slipping through my long, black curls.

Under the covers we touched and grazed each other's bare skin and made passionate love love love. This wasn't the first time.

Not the last time either, probably.

We've been together for a year now.

And then she opened the door and walked in.

Deep Secrets

but she's too honest, too blunt. too eccentric, you know what I mean right ?

no, I don't. why are you saying these things ?

her clothes. I don't like them.

her hair is too thick, I can't run my fingers through it.

She's perfect though, the babe has got blue eyes. why won't you just go, for, it ?

Well now she's in me, and I'm fucking her while listening to Tiny Dancer and all I can think about is how much I'd rather be reading a book.

Steamy

My skin feels so hot and kind of burning from the sun.

Your girlfriend will never find out what we did last night.

I fall in love too easily

I was quite cool, the perfect temperature actually.
but I could feel my cheeks begin to flush when he slowly started rubbing his hand on mine.
Nobody noticed.

The unbearable fate of the black umbrella

Oh, what a dismal day it was.
The sun in hiding,
The clouds creeping down.
The winds sweeping in all directions.

The rain was flying sideways.

As we were walking towards the exit,
I began to open my black umbrella
"NO DON'T DO THAT! YOU WILL HAVE BAD LUCK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE", yelled Richard trying to pry the black umbrella from my hands. But it was too late, the black umbrella had already been opened.
"FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ??!!! oh my goodness, what will I do ?" I questioned mockingly.

As I walked into the street a black car hit me and I died.

Priority

I'm with sam, I'm really drunk, I'm really sorry.

Stardust

They met last fall
It took two months,
that was all.

She was doubtful,
He was unaware.

but things had changed so much so he just had to ask:
"Would you want to try again, just out of curiosity and sexosity?"

We didn't sleep much

La fille est venue, partie.
Comme le jour, la nuit.

Spring

some photos, here and there

I remember when we would grow trees outside that were blue and white. We were happy when our tears would fill the bathtub and we would wash away our fears. The honey would drip from the clouds and land on our toes. Those were the

days where we would run naked amongst the souls of the dead butterflies. You were mine and I was yours. We belonged together, we belonged to each other. Like the roots belong to the trees and the sun belongs to the sky. We believed in each other; we loved each other. It was love.

One day, you changed that; you changed it all by yourself. You had no help from anyone. You fell in love with a mermaid when I thought I had found my frog to kiss, my

prince to marry. You left me alone by the river even when you had promised to fly me across. Now how was I supposed to get to the other side?

You were mine and I was yours. You belonged to me and I belonged to you. I was yours and you were mine. We spoke and promised these things, these objects, these meaningless words to each other with our fingers intertwined in the deepest of our dreams, the deepest of our oceans, with my hair, in the wind, and your lips, on my lips. But after all, how can you save a rootless tree?

Music

Me, Emilie and Thanya playing music for the boys..

I guess.

sunday afternoon

Today,

I woke up not remembering when I went to bed.

I remember lying next to Felix and Emilie and Felix was talking about Gwen.

I guess I dozed off while he was talking about her.

I heard something coming from outside of Emilie's door.

I pulled my hair into a bun and walked out of her room to go to the washroom.

The sun was shining brightly through the window.

it was so beautiful.

Felix was there. I was surprised to see him there still, I thought he had gone home last night.

We took the metro together.

He told me I tried to cuddle with him.

I went to Starbucks before going home because I wanted a hot chocolate.

The man serving me forgot to get my drink, so I waited for 10 minutes.

Damien Rice was playing.

He is my favorite.